4 year update : Screw Salvation, I need Conviction

A typical post from those 4years –

Yeah. You read that right.
Lack of conviction might possibly be the worst way to suffer.
One of these days I am going to wake up, decide to have coffee and then just have tea instead. Oh the horror!
So what do I mean by conviction? faith in a way of thought essentially.
We all usually have a way of working, that we stick by (out of
fear or conviction or whatever) . I think I lost mine.
Let me give you a look in to my life. The ride is not smooth!
Sleep cycle 
I have woken up at 7 am last 2 days.
A week before that I slept at 7 am.
Should I be an early bird? or a night owl?
I am not getting a worm anyway.
Do  I sleep late citing my productivity in night ? or do I set my sleep  cycle right with concentrated effort so that I am not tired during the  day??

Do I do math again as before and keep my identity ?
Or do I change and become a coder and move away from hardcore math ?

Or do I do both?
Is it the right thing to stick to your comfort zone?
Or do we just have to make ourself uncomfortable at all times by exploring new territories. ?
Is life meant to be to explore new stuff.
Or just settle down and revel in your routine.
If we are disposed to settling down to routines and anything routine is not conceived as exciting, is this a weakness?
or is exciting over-rated?

Do I keep playing as much as I do ?
Or just chill it and do what I want to do professionally?
What if that is football??

I seem to have too much skill at debating for my own good.
Sometimes  , I might even see 3 sides to the coin. And NO , they don’t all have an  intersection like those convenient Venn diagrams.

What is the right thing to do with my College life?
To let loose and find the passion ?
I have done it once. Once long back, when I did not really care about my surroundings in 10th grade.
But wait a minute  ..  Did I say I did not care? ..
Lets see,
School  was just easy. I could sleep through an exam and still get satisfactory  scores. So I had an iron-clad security and no-one could question me  with my school work.
So maybe I tasted the skies safely as I was anchored well.
Not the same now.
I need to work to get good grades. I can slack and still pass, but when did that ever feel good?..
Or am I just being pessimistic ?

I have zero attendance and that is an exact figure.
Why? .. I seem to think that, I either attend every class or none.
But  is life really binary? NO.  It really is not. Yet, all messages sent  and received are viewed as good/bad , love/hate , anger/happiness blah  blah. Idiot. Blithering idiot (myself).

Is something right because a huge number of people believe in it??
If so, then I am mostly wrong.
Is there anything that is ACTUALLY .. BY NATURE classified as RIGHT or WRONG ?
Eg. the frequency of an object is an invariant attribute.
I  mean, why is anything right or wrong? .. Did someone read that killing others is bad on stones or stars or in some other  natural way ?
I  am not a killer. Believe me, I cannot decide whether to drink  tea/coffee, I certainly cannot kill you. I would never be able to decide whether gun/knife.

Do what you want! Break free!
Why do you always have to ” break free” of the system to do as you wish?
Why is the system there in the first place?
If  there was an alternate reality with NO SYSTEMS of any kind. No  religion, caste, country, government, schools etc. Would People still do  the same? Would someone still want to become a painter ?
Is becoming a painter made more desirable simple because it is forbidden?
Do we not need a system to tell us what is right/wrong , so that we can criticize/praise it and make our own versions of it.
See! , I am not even convinced if a System is required or not!
So  are people now overdoing it? with all the System ideology and making it  rigid.  It looks to me like System is a just a hook that we need to pick out a fish
It shouldn’t decide what fish,where and when itself. We  should!

Ah ! but who cares? I am still in the system.
I either work for it and or work despite the system.
Both seem equally hard and uninspiring.
I want freedom. I want complete chaos !! (and later I contradict myself by saying having blind faith is better. Screw my life!)
Imagine a College. (yes a system, but let me elaborate the awesome terms)
Where I choose a degree and give it a name I want, and do the courses I want and even do them courses the way I want!
Ramchandran, – Bachelor of Awesomeness 😛
Idealistic. But think about it.
If  online courses take the world and make universities an  outdated-concept. Then this is precisely what people would start  doing!!!

You know I have a theory.
I have a theory, as to why my mind is so bent that the angle of bending is undefined!

I have lived both sides in the extremist way !!
And I am out of both the phases. !!!

Not. A. Good. Thing.

1)  I have been super – conventional with extremely simple thoughts.  Studied for exams regularly, Attended every class. Slept at 10. Never  thought about passion/love/etc.

2)  Not give a shit about the system. Did math all day, Did not attend any  class, nor worked for exams by the system ,nor slept at defined times.  Always thinking about passion/love etc.

But don’t we all slack ? don’t we all at some point go from having “good” work ethics to spoiled brats? ..
We do. But not like me.
I did not choose to sleep irregularly! I did not choose to not attend.
That  inexpressable feeling of love made me do crazy things without realizing it. I did not have a justified thought process when I went berserk!

Both times , there were no decision making involved. None. Heck, I am not even sure, decision making is a good thing.
Is it not a lot better/stronger when you are just carried along by a wave of emotions. Its adventurous and exhilarating.
Far  better than being on a boat in the middle of an ocean, completely  still water, no winds and to then choose which direction to go.  Compasses are a hoax. Your north might not be other’s north! 😦 ..  Worse. Your north is constantly changing. It isn’t even a fixed entity.
You might just be looping around a point !

So conviction eh?..
I think there is real need for blind faith.
YES ! I mean it. The rationalist , analytical me calls for blind faith.

Why? ..
I doubt the existence of any absolute truth/power.
I doubt if it is worth trying to prove/disprove.
I think its a lot easier when you choose one and follow it.
(Religion by birth = no decision making. I am a happy hindu now 🙂 )
Is it not a lot easier if the Mess in my college just gave me coffee and nothing else??
I am a human oscillating machine!


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